Every year, the holidays begin with an onslaught of commercials, movies, Christmas specials, travel advertisements, and more, all promoting a simple idea: the holidays are for togetherness, family, and loved ones. Between November and January, it can easily feel as though suffering, pain, and grief have no place.
So often, I hear people talk about coping with the pain that the “festive” season brings. More often than not, the holidays serve as a reminder that things look different this year. A loved one will no longer be in attendance. Perhaps it is the first holiday season after a divorce, or the first time your children will not be coming home because they have embarked on their own journeys into adulthood. Whatever the circumstances, the holidays have a way of highlighting the broken pieces rather than concealing them.
I have seen people cope with the pain the holidays evoke in numerous ways. Some force themselves to manufacture joy, while others disconnect emotionally, numbing themselves until the season passes. I have seen others become so overwhelmed by holiday obligations that, by January 2, they feel as though they need another vacation.
You see, the holidays often bring our deeper wounds to the surface. Feelings of being unworthy, unwanted, broken, or neglected can become more difficult to ignore. The unrelenting message of togetherness can begin to feel like an attack on our grief, our family wounds, or our longing for safety and belonging.
Whether we openly acknowledge it or quietly carry it within ourselves, the pressure to experience the holidays a certain way can shape our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. But what if there were healthier, more compassionate ways to cope? What if we gave ourselves permission to experience the holidays as they are, rather than as we believe they should be?
For Grief: Making Room for What Is Missing
The loss of a loved one can make it feel as though the holidays have lost their sparkle. Traditions that once brought joy may now feel empty, and celebrations may seem pointless without the person who made them special.
Although these feelings are valid, it may help to reconsider what the holidays can mean to you in this season of life. You do not have to recreate the past or pretend that nothing has changed. Instead, consider creating traditions that honor your loved one and acknowledge your grief without allowing grief to consume every moment.
This might look like lighting a candle in their memory, preparing their favorite holiday dish, sharing stories about them, or setting aside time to reflect on what they meant to you. It could also mean starting entirely new traditions that reflect who you are and what you need today.
Consider activities that foster connection in ways that feel healing rather than heavy. You might volunteer during a Thanksgiving meal or Christmas toy drive, help feed those experiencing food insecurity, or spend time supporting women and children in shelters. Giving to others can be meaningful, but remember that you do not have to turn your pain into productivity to make the season worthwhile.
You can also prioritize restorative activities that replenish you. Take a staycation in your city, enjoy dinner at your favorite restaurant, visit a place that brings you peace, or spend a cozy evening at home intentionally making room for rest.
Most importantly, honor your body and your feelings. Give yourself permission to feel sad, to laugh without guilt, to participate in celebrations when you feel able, and to step away when you need a break.
If extending compassion toward yourself feels difficult, try asking yourself this question: How would I care for someone I love if they were experiencing what I am experiencing right now?
Then challenge yourself to offer that same level of compassion to yourself.
You deserve care, too.
For Family Relationships: When Togetherness Comes at a Cost
Maybe the holidays felt magical when you were a child, but strained family relationships have turned them into a logistical and emotional nightmare; something you do out of duty rather than joy. Or perhaps the holidays were always chaotic, yet you feel obligated to participate because being alone seems easier than enduring the ridicule, guilt, or judgment your family might direct toward you if you chose otherwise.
Whatever your experience, this holiday season, I encourage you to explore your actual needs and wants. Consider your values. Some may align with your family's traditions and expectations, while others may look entirely different. Neither makes you a bad family member. You are allowed to grow, change, and establish a life that reflects who you are today.
Consider gently setting boundaries that honor your emotional well-being. This might mean shortening a visit, declining an invitation, creating new traditions, or choosing to spend the holidays with people who leave you feeling valued and connected.
Of course, setting boundaries is not always easy. Family members may respond with guilt trips, coercion, or shame when you no longer participate in the ways they expect. You may be labeled selfish, ungrateful, or difficult simply because you have decided to make different choices. When this happens, remember that someone else's disappointment does not automatically mean you have done something wrong.
You are important, too. It is okay to tolerate temporary discomfort or negative reactions in pursuit of your peace. You do not have to sacrifice your emotional well-being to keep everyone else comfortable.
Do not be afraid to restructure the way you celebrate. You can love your family and still recognize that certain dynamics are unhealthy for you. You can appreciate your traditions while deciding which ones you are no longer willing to carry forward.
And perhaps most importantly, ask yourself this: If belonging requires me to repeatedly sacrifice my peace of mind, is that the kind of belonging I want? Or have I made my peace so expensive that I no longer believe I can afford it?
You deserve relationships in which you can show up as yourself, not simply as the version of you that makes everyone else comfortable.
For Loneliness: When You Feel Like You Have Nowhere to Belong
Loneliness during the holidays can be difficult to admit. Perhaps you do not have family nearby, your friendships have changed, you are navigating life after a breakup, or you find yourself watching everyone else celebrate while wondering where you fit in. Sometimes, loneliness is not about the absence of people but the absence of meaningful connection. You can sit at a crowded dinner table and still feel unseen.
Maybe the loneliness you feel during the holiday’s stems from the grief or family dysfunction mentioned earlier. Perhaps it comes from something else entirely, such as adjusting to a new family structure, living in a new place, or not having a close-knit group of people with whom you can share the season. Whatever the reason, I encourage you to explore the feelings associated with your loneliness and simply meet yourself where you are.
If this is your experience, I encourage you to be gentle with yourself. The holidays have a way of making us question where we stand in other people's lives. We begin to wonder why we were not invited, why certain relationships have faded, or why the life we imagined looks so different from the one we are living. It is easy to turn these disappointments into conclusions about our worth.
But being lonely does not mean you are unlovable, forgettable, or destined to be alone. It means you have a human need for connection that deserves to be acknowledged, not shamed.
This season, consider taking small, intentional steps toward the connection you desire. Reach out to a friend, invite someone for coffee, attend a community gathering, explore a faith community, or volunteer somewhere that allows you to connect with others. You do not have to build an entirely new support system overnight. Sometimes, connection begins with one conversation, one invitation, or the courage to show up somewhere new.
At the same time, learn to make room for yourself. Plan activities that bring you genuine enjoyment, create traditions that make your home feel comforting, and allow yourself to experience moments of peace without treating solitude as a failure. There is a difference between choosing to spend time alone and believing you have no other choice.
And if the loneliness feels particularly heavy this year, give yourself permission to acknowledge that, too. You do not have to minimize your feelings because someone else may have it worse, and you do not have to pretend to enjoy the holidays simply because everyone around you seems to be celebrating.
Your current circumstances, do not define who you are. Consider asking yourself ““What might it look like to meet myself with compassion this holiday season, while also making room for the connection you desire?”.
The Peaceful Point
You do not have to earn your place in the holiday season by being cheerful, available, or accommodating. You are allowed to grieve, to rest, to set boundaries, and to create a season that reflects what healing looks like for you right now.
No matter how you choose to maneuver through the holidays this year, I encourage you to honor your needs and care for yourself with radical compassion. Give yourself the gift of permission: permission to have a different kind of holiday.
~May your holidays be truly merry and bright.
Alexis Fleming, LPC-MHSP
